the endless desire to fix everything or run away
Whenever I face a challenge, I try my best to resolve the issue. It mainly stems from my desire to fix things. To ensure things are whole. And I am always able to fix things. I was always able to get solutions to everything. Until I could not. And the challenge was not some big project in the wild like fixing capitalism.
The problem was being comfortable with the core of who I am and counting myself whole without fixing a thing. But when problems arise. When you realize you inherently don’t finish what you start. And you realize the whole world just moves on while you are stuck. That is where the fixing needs to happen.
A mug and its fate
But do you really need fixing if you are already whole? Let’s say I bought a beautiful mug and it does its work well. I can always count on it whenever I want to have a cup of tea. And when I have people over, I am always eager to bring it out and show off how beautiful of a mug it is. It is already whole, and needs no fixing whatsoever. Then as time goes on, a new thing arises, maybe I don’t drink tea as much as I used to. Or something new comes up. Or even it gets a dent. And that’s when the fixing might need to happen.
Similar to the mug, when we are born, we are as whole as whole can be. But as time goes on, and changes happen, we may sit back, 20 years after our childhood is over and find a lot of gaps. When we were made to feel inferior. When the world kept moving but you did not process the grief. When you were put at the back of the cabinet and no one looked at you again. When life hit you and you have a couple of bruises that need healing. When the world forces you to be who you are not.
An Ode to our Childhood
And after fighting and enduring all the bruises, you emerge at the top. Where life deems you are at the peak of human existence. When you are no longer surviving, and life finally makes sense. But all the bruises come back. All the pain you hid behind the shelves show up. And the choice is to either face them head on. Or run away.
The first choice is to always run away. Chase what you think living means. And because you did not sit with yourself, living means going with what the world says. Never giving yourself a minute to think because the world already orchestrated what life means. So why find your own meaning, when the world already has a blue print? Travel, get a hobby, build relationships, go outside, volunteer, go to therapy, exercise, dance like no one is watching, learn something new (preferably a new language).
But there is still a gaping hole. Life feels like chasing the wind. Life feels incomplete. Religion, spirituality are all now meaningless.
The meaningless of life
Life is meaningless. Every book you read, every chapter you get into, is inherently meaningless. And the only thing that remains, the one thing that you can do, is face yourself.
According to the book “Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware, she illustrates that the first thing to contend with is the fact that death is inevitable. And the second thing is the courage to face who you truly are. When everything is stripped away. When you become emotionally exhausted to move on, even before you choose to run away, stay. Be courageous and face who you truly are.
The Courage to face yourself
Stay in the silence without looking for a distraction. Walk around noticing the little things without a headset to get you out of the world. Spend your evenings, journalling, writing, listening to yourself without the world trying to find who you are for you. Because, unless you know who you truly are, you will continue to chase the high with a gap.
And as you face yourself, love yourself deeply. Be gentle. The world has been too unkind for so long. You are whole, but you got bruises along the way. The only way is to build yourself back with compassion. Even if the world never showed you love, be the love you want to see in you, for yourself. And as you boldly move forward, know that you are evolving anew, a caterpillar does not go through change expecting to remain a caterpillar but evolves to become a butterfly!
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