Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. ~ psychology today
The space to create
If my 18 year old self could see me today, she would be very jealous. Not because of glamour or glitz, but because I have curated a life where I have everything I ever wanted to create. A space I can call my own. Fun fact: before 22, I had never had a room to myself. Funny since I grew up an only child. I remember during COVID I would take my calls outside the verandah because all the rooms were occupied. And now, I have had a space I curated and build, to work, to live, to cook and to be creative on. Though much to my dismay, all the space in the world couldn’t afford me the win of creating, learning and building.
I have a ton of achievements that 18 year-old me would be proud of, but the dream was always to create. To find a space that will help me build, create and be as innovative as I could possibly be. To spend time tinkering with my ideas. Creating spells and potions with my art, coding skills and my impeccable writing (let me toot my own horn here). But alas, it is always just a random strike of idea here, a draft that is collecting dust in my notion board or even a spark that was never ignited.
The paralysis
I know my purpose is to create. I know I enjoy being full of mischief and creating my own ideas. I have a bucketload of drawings in my procreate. I get the random lightning strike that impales me and I am left to create. And the poof! All that I desire falls away and I am left dealing with the thoughts in my mind. The thoughts of what ifs. The catastrophizing.
I reckon this is a humongous word to just describe my overthinking nature, but it goes beyond just overthinking. As if my thoughts have a say in the reality of things. Like they can make me freeze and no longer work. Paralyzed!!!
Crises all in my head
Okay, let me slow down my rant a bit, it has a purpose. Having internalized and observed how I can birth catastrophes from my mind, I dug a little bit. Just scratched the surface. I came to find out the uglies. I can build an entire catastrophe in my head and end up not publishing a single thing for months. No blog, no video, no drawing, nothing. And rid myself of the joy I derive from being in the flow. The joy of tangibility. The joy of a well built up space for just that, creating.
All catastrophes prevented. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. And life becomes a shell. A long depressive shell. Dull. Boring. Quiet. For someone who enjoys adventure and fun, nothing excites me anymore. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. No growth. No change. No impact. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. Life becomes unbearable. No catastrophes happen, because they all occurred in my head. Life lives in my head. Not outside. Nothing out of the ordinary happens.
Inside looking out
A life lived all in your head is, well, not a life really. It is like watching your life go on through a window. There’s a High School Musical song for this: “It’s funny when you find yourself Lookin’ from the outside I’m standin’ here but all I want Is to be over there.” A life not lived is a life worth not living. And that will be how I start the year.
We outside, not literally
Living outside my head. And finding life in the little things. Last year I went out of my head an published 10 articles in my personal blog, such a feat. And newsletters upon newsletters, about 10 of them? I dropped the ball when I decided to do posts every fortnight, never again. Slow and steady wins the race. Which one? I am not sure what yours is but mine is creating and living a life well lived. A life full of wonder and delight. A life that ensures no stone is left unturned. A life of moments and not just the big thing. A life of delight!
Let’s see how this year goes…..