Have you ever given advice that you know is right, the best, actually, but you don’t abide by it? Remember in Curious George there’s a scene where George is told “do what I say not what I do?” I don’t remember the scene really well, but I remember quoting that to myself this week. And feeling out of whack just for that statement. Why can’t I be the preacher that drinks the water I preach?
Perks of Being a Wallflower
In view of this, I have decided to give my first book/movie review a chance. In an effort to create as much as, if not more than I consume, let me pen this down. The book highlights child abuse, depression and PTSD, so tread carefully.
I’ve always had the movie on my list, but I felt if I watched it, I will be too broken, so I kept postponing the view date. Until I could postpone no longer. See, I cry a ton when I read something that breaks my heart, and I cry hard when it also mends my soul, and this book/movie did both.
The premise I should start with is why both the movie and the book? I watched the movie and it broke me more than anything could. Naturally, that led me to read the book. Even after knowing what all the scenes would be, I had to read the letters. I had to know every scene ever so intimately.
Momentum
Let’s first talk about how brave Charlie was. Even when he felt shut out, even without the courage. He pushed himself. He made friends. They were waay older than him, but that’s beside the point. He moved. Momentum. That’s a verb I aspire to go by. Not standing still but moving forward. Finding the needle in a haystack. Finding the ones you belong with.
There are a lot of ways he moved forward. If you remove the drugs, as the movies tried to, Charlie was really putting himself out there. Besides the football game where he first approached Patrick, he was trying to become a better brother. He tried to show up. He read the books Bill gave him. And through it all, he built a support system around him.
The courage to say no
Before I get to the participation bit, let’s explore his relationship with Mary Elizabeth. I get it in two ways. One, someone actually chose him and he could not say no. He changed to fit the choice he was supposed to, yet, even as he was, he was still loved. Second, the getting out part. I relate to this a ton because sometimes you are in too deep. Sometimes, the words fail to appear. And most times, you are at a crossroads, imagining a future you’d rather live in than admitting the truth about your present.
The truth eventually finds you. And wherever you are, there you are. You end up hurting a lot more people, you end up hurting yourself more. The choices you should have made become limitations future you now has to deal with. When all is said and done, you end up right where you are supposed to be.
Participate
Last. Last. I am writing this unironically as I went looking for the right lyrics on Spotify, as it was coming up, found myself on twitter and before all of it was done, checked LinkedIn for some updates that had me downloading Blind. I know so perfectly well how the modern world, or the world as is now, is filled with a ton of distractions. One minute you’re writing, the next doom scrolling. And that’s the reason the “participate” notion stood out so loud for me. It felt as though the book was shouting…
Some points here. First, going back in time to understand the now is imperative. Therapy. Journalling. All these tools help us reflect on the past. Understand who we were. What influenced us. And who we became from the influence. However, dwelling on the past is not it. We need to be in the here and now.
I do not say this to dismiss what lies in the future. But a statement I have come across is “looking at me then, I did the best I could with the tools I had.” It is beyond reassuring. It is not a promise. It lies in empathy. Knowing what you did in the past was enough. One day, what you are doing now will be in the past. And unless you participate and live in the present, you might never be truly alive. Or, in this case, Infinite.
Second, because I started with first, and I love lists. Okay, second, the future lies beyond us. Biblically, we are told not to worry about tomorrow as today has enough troubles for itself. Not in the sense of YOLO but in the sense of living. Participating. In the here and now.
And in that moment, we were infinite.
In conclusion, read the book, 10/10. Watch the movie. Cry your eyes out. Understand one of the ways PTSD can manifest. How depression is not a choice one chooses to make, but it can be a culmination of a thousand and one experiences in our past. How we are still a work in progress, and that’s okay - even as a work in progress we can exist and live in the here and now!
I have yielded to my soul’s call and written this piece. Now, go ye and participate in whatever you choose to do!